I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We had sex on a dog bed..
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
