and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
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