mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
