you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
