I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
