Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
my shit smells like andre
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
