MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
