Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just invented taco cereal.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
