I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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