Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Sext me about skeletons
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
