It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
