i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
