my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
