Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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