The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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