drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
