There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize