I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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