I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize