i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
