my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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