Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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