Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
