Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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