Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
