its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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