where am i from again
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
