Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
