thus making me awesome and them whores
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
