awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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