I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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