I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
