After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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