Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
