My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
