I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
