I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
