can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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