If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Are my feet made of real feet?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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