this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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