Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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