does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just had sex bonerless
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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