I cannot find my penis.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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