I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
My breath smells like gin and sadness
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
