I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
