This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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