someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
