Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
True college students do jello shots in the library
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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