dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
