I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize