What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
