ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
