I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
