i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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