My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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