walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
