i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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