So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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