I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
As shirtless as possible
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
