Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
