I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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