How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
