Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
