Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I believe in your delicious
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
