I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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