I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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